There are several sayings, varied in approach but similar in meaning: ‘If you believe it you can achieve it’.. ‘Mind over matter’… ‘You can do whatever you put your mind to’… etc.

They all suggest the same universal truth. Our thoughts and ideas are physical manifestations. Knowing, acknowledging and living this fact is the key to any achievement.

Most of us get caught up in the day-to-day grind, believing that we are but cogs on a wheel, widgets in a machine. The truth is that in our own unconscious conformity to accepted social norms we are merely manifesting the once seemingly fantastical, lofty, imaginative dreams and goals of someone else. That is to say, that when we shut down our own creative centers and become a part of the system- we fuel the ideas of someone else. But what about what your dream? What about your own imagination or creative-self? Are the fascinations of your CEO any more relevant or important than yours? What makes one man’s dreams a reality and the other’s- well, not?

We are surrounded everyday by realities that began with a single person’s creative thought. From the computer at which you now sit reading this to the lightbulb which has become symbolic of the spark of brilliance now buzzing in your mind. Relinquish the thought that you are limited to the resources around you. Abandon the notion that what has not happened can not happen. Each of your ideas is fueled by the fact that you are equipped with what it would take to manifest said idea- otherwise, you wouldn’t have had the idea in the first place.

I like the idea of “manifest destiny”. It suggests that we can in fact make our own destinies. That we can shape, sculpt, mold, fabricate, create what we want to see- that our lives are not preordained. You/I/we are not at affect of the word around us. Instead, success is the effect of our shaping our own realities. Be not beaten when your only obstacle is you.

Being a parent means giving unconditional love whether times are good or bad or whether your child is healthy or ill. I learned and lived that truth over the last year as my oldest son was diagnosed with AML (Acute Myeloid Leukemia) only a month or so, after he returned home from his freshman year of college.  I was a firm believer that kids learned from their parents and not the other way around, but boy was I wrong.  I had the opportunity to learn from my son during his 9 month-long battle with this deadly disease.  Here I am some 8 months later, and I still wrestle with my emotions. It grieves me most knowing I won’t ever again hear him say, “What’s up Pops?” 

I watched my son endure and fight until he could no longer. The disease ended his young life.  As he fought and suffered, I too had my own internal battles to fight in dealing with his disease. Not being physically able to take away his pain, I felt helpless – at times hopeless. When I was with him I did not want him to see me lose it. I had to be strong even though I wanted to cry for him.  I fought to be strong in front of him and in private I wrote to purge myself of the pain and anger I felt.

I am not the first or last person to lose a child, but what I went through (am going through) is indescribable. It is my hope that my words might serve to assist someone else or shed a light when the way gets dark. Maybe then,  I can begin to feel  that what Kwasi/I/we went through as a family would not be in vain. Through these letters, I’ve been able to express my emotions in a way that that allow me to begin a healing process. They are, for me- tears that water a new and fertile ground. One from which hope and understanding may flourish.

 Please allow me to share with you a couple of the journal entries I penned in the last weeks of my son’s life. May you find in it a seed, with which you can cultivate your own healing.

February 2011

(One night before he went home for the last time only to return again and never leave on his own)

I purposely enter the room at a very late hour and crack the door ever so slightly that I may pass through sideways; I do this in order to control the amount of light that enters into the room from the hallway.  As I close the door behind me, and darkness consumes the space, I begin thinking about light, considering its importance.  I take a seat and allow my eyes to adjust to my new surroundings. I peer over to the person in the bed taking in the overwhelming loudness of the dark. The apparent silence its seems is merely a facade. As I sit in the chair I think back to much happier times. I look at this person and the condition they are in and a myriad of emotions well up inside me and erupt suddenly, like an unstable volcano spewing its ash and lava. But instead of the lava, my eyes burn with tears that stream down my face like twin waterfalls, with the force to carve rock or greater, my attempted steadiness. I begin to appreciate the darkness for its ability to conceal my emotional out-pouring. I wish not to make sadder this place.  I pull the handkerchief from my pocket and press it against my mouth to suppress my sobs, abandoning the tears that wet my face.  I cannot believe I am looking at my 19-year-old son who has undergone his 3rd round of chemotherapy for cancer/AML (acute myeloid leukemia). I begin to think of all the things he has missed out on since his return home this past May from his freshman year at Hampton University. It is now time for the second semester of what would have been his sophomore year and just past his 20th birthday. How did it come to this and why?

I try to divert my stare and emotions by glancing at the television overhead, but my eyes are drawn back to my son’s now frail body.  He has lost an considerable amount of weight and the brightness of his eyes has subsided. His bright smile that was released from the confines of braces only 18 months ago, has now been replaced with a set of straight teeth masked by a continuous battle of phlegm and blood from mouth sores resulting from the chemo. His hair which he lost after the first round of Chemo, has grown back but much finer than before and is a shiny black coat of close cropped hair. His skin, once that of milk chocolate brown has darkened considerably due to the toxins in the chemo as they permeate his rapidly changing epidermal layer.  To make for a more dramatic scene his skin has taken on a look of someone with vitiligo as the newly regenerated skin of his normal complexion resurfaces leaving blotches of dead skin all over his body.  His fingernails and toe nails have become darker, an indication of the foreign substances he has been injected with intravenously.  I often go between the many different photos I have amassed over the years in my head to try to substitute the image I am now faced with to reassure myself that this is temporary.    To complicate the situation more he has had a tracheotomy procedure done. He is now being supplied the nutrients he needs via a tube inserted into his nose that leads to his stomach. As a result of the trach, verbal communication between us has also not been possible in over two weeks. The doctors hope to replace the trach with smaller one to allow him to speak and eat solid food soon. It would be great to hear him talk… the simple things mean so much!

These last 3 years have been filled with great highs. I’ve been fortunate to travel to many places. I’ve made wonderful friends and connections. I’ve evolved, re-evolved and evolved yet again in terms of my art and ideas. But there have also been great lows. I’ve made mistakes and hurt people that I loved. I’ve made decisions that have not been the most popular or readily accepted. Some friends and I have grown apart, moved apart or simply fallen apart. Some loved ones have passed on. All of these things my son, you too will experience. I’ve learned a valuable lesson in terms of my own experiences that helps guide my steps now. The source of life is an ever-changing ebb and flow, give and take, up and down. Each thing, in its duality designed to give balance to the universe, the world, to man-kind, to you. The power to maintaining the balance of life’s ins and outs is well within your grasp.  It may seem at times that maintaining that balance is impossible, but the secret to it is very simple. TRUTH.

There is a saying that says “the truth will set you free”, and truer words have never been spoken. Despite the cards life may deal you, you must always move in truth. Speak only truths. May your work and efforts be in truth. In all things, be truthful- but most importantly- truthful to yourself. There  is nothing to gain in dishonesty nor in deceit. Being truthful to yourself will also help you navigate your way in the world, defining your character, and helping you through trying times.

When one sets out to deceive another, the burden of that deceit becomes like a weight. The more deceitful you are, the heavier the weight becomes. Soon you will find yourself overwhelmed and overcome by the weight of your own dishonesty and ultimately have to account for not being truthful to begin with. When you move in truth you avoid the strain that comes along with not being truthful. Without the weight of deception, you are truly free to move about in life, in business, in love. You are free to experience and enjoy the life that is happening around you.

My advice to you on this day son is; In all you do, be truth. As a result you will always be free and as time flies, you can soar with it to new heights and discoveries.

I love you son.

Your Baba!

Fahamu
9/2/2011

A tragic truth is that all men know at least one woman who has been inappropriately touched, molested and even raped at some point in their life. This is an issue of great personal concern for me because of my first-hand experience in seeing how impactful sexual abuse is on women. My sister has turned her harrowing nightmare into a story of hope and compassion. As a pastor and author, she uses her words and her ministry to empower those who’ve been affected by such a cruel violation and actively counsels victims of abuse.

I’m writing this today because I’m reminded of my silence as my sister confided in me about her ordeal. Eventually, I spoke up on her behalf when I saw that her accusations were met with denial. But I’ve always felt guilty that i didn’t take more of a stand when I was first told of what happened. As the father of a young daughter, I am appalled at the idea that something like that could ever happen to my little girl. I realize more and more that silence in the face of physical and sexual abuse against women is almost as much of a crime as the act itself.

Currently cameras and microphones turn their focus to the case of Nafissatou Diallo. Nearly 3 months ago, a major case broke as police arrested IMF director Dominique Strauss-Kahn after Diallo alleged Kahn sexaully assaulted her in a hotel room where she worked as a maid. The case at first seemed open and close, with investigators finding what was called “substantial DNA evidence” and eyewitnesses linking Kahn to Diallo. Many saw it as a landmark case not only in terms of justice for Diallo but also in terms of high-ranking officials who seem to get away with murder (and rape) simply because of their status.

In a bizarre and unclear twist, the tables have turned and Diallo herself seems now to be the criminal. Resulting in a smear campaign which has greatly damaged her credibility and led the NY District Attorney’s office to file for a dismissal of the charges against Strauss-Kahn. Dropping this case, in spite of the insurmountable evidence against the IMF chief throws a major blow to the injustices served to women everyday- who become victims twice-over as justice fails them in the face of men of power.

Is it not enough that there is ample evidence to not only legitimize the allegations against Strauss-Kahn, but possibly to convict him? Is it not enough that awaiting him in France are other cases where women claim to have been sexually assaulted by this same man? Is it not enough that women bear the brunt of these types of attacks daily and most-afraid to speak out against their attackers-suffer in silence?

Are we to remain silent? Are we to do nothing? Should we stand by in apathy and wait for this injustice to reach our homes, our mothers, our sisters, our daughters? Where is the collective outrage? The demand for justice?

Speak out- let the world know that as men, husbands, fathers, brothers, sons… we will not tolerate the violation of any woman, any where… by any one. In silence, we invite this tragedy to re-occur. Raise up our women and we raise up ourselves.

In solidarity with you Nafissatou Diallo.

-Fahamu Pecou

The following morning we’d go to the park and my dad would instruct me on the proper way help the kite gain flight. He guided me in gauging the wind for lift and recognizing the direction it was blowing.  Once our kite was off the ground, he’d let me hold the string and all I could do was look up at the sky as the kite soared to higher and higher heights.  I wondered what it must feel like to fly.

My father taught me many things. As I flew my kite, I thought of the stories of Benjamin Franklin using his kite to prove ideas about conductivity. But my father insisted that as I learn about Ben Franklin, that I also learn about African American inventors like Garret A Morgan. I would often discuss various other scientific principals, with my father as my brain was like a sponge at those times. Hungry for knowledge, I asked my father how the kite could fly and how did my father know how to make a kite (remember this was a time when parents still did things with their children, before they would spend money on something they could make and be a great bonding experience for parent and child). I look back in retrospect now and thank him for those lessons. Back then I often thought he and my mother were punishing me by giving me extra work to do, especially when it came to school.  I remember learning the U.S. states and their capitals and my parents making me learn the Map of Africa at the same time. No one else in my class had to do the same thing. What I was learning however, was how to be an individual and an independent thinker and not even knowing it. My father advised me to never settle. To always quest to learn and know more. To test/challenge what I was told or read.  Simple activities like kite flying was a part of that unbeknownst to me at that time.

Later in life as other kids were being pressured into certain things, I was unmoved. I already knew I was different and never felt the need to fit in with the latest fad or mischievous activity.  Don’t get me wrong I did my share of bad things but I was not easily tempted.  What did come of it, was that I was not a afraid to say “no” when others ask me to join in or participate in something that I did not want to do, something many other kids fell victim to – and still do till this day.  My parents were raising a leader not a follower.

As the tables turned and I became a father, I found myself returning back to those very lessons to raise my son – even flying a kite. I don’t want to sound cliché’ but you get out what you put in.  Parents remember challenge your kids so they won’t crack under pressure when someone else does.

-By M.Kwasi Pecou

When a bird’s eggs hatch, it guards the nest and its offspring. They only leave to provide food for their young. The bird’s whole existence at that critical time is to rear its offspring.  Once the hatchlings have grown feathers they start to teach the chicks things they should know as adult birds.  Once the babies are strong enough, they coax the baby out of the nest to fly. A baby bird’s flight is a symbol of it’s independence. Then and ONLY then is the adult bird’s job complete.

I remember when my son was in the 8th grade he chose to play basketball, baseball and hang out with his friends. My social life had to be curtailed in order to advance his.  So that meant going to practices, meets and games and taking a group of 8th grade boys to ESPN Zone and Dave and Busters on Friday and Saturday nights (prime date nights for me). As his father, to ensure his development I had to put his needs and requests ahead of mine for a time to support him and also show that I am there for him no matter what. I did so in hopes that he will do the same for his children and more. Then as that “adult bird”, I can sit back and watch my son soar to new heights.

As a father/parent, it is my duty to motivate and teach my children to strive for more. I should be their source of wisdom, a barometer as to the climate outside the confines of our home. I should not have to wait for the government or some standardized test to tell me what I should already know when it comes to my child’s education.  I should be an ally to my children’s teachers, whom they are entrusted to for many hours per week.  That means that I have to forego the ‘me first’ attitude and began to place my children first or at the very least share the spotlight with them until they decide to step out on their own.

Lately, we as parents have been so selfish that we’ll bring kids into the world, superimpose our own will on them and not helping them to develop that which is in them. Instead we promote our own shortcomings or lash out at them for what we see or don’t see in them that remind us of ourselves.

The reward of parenting is in sitting back after our children have flown the nest, watching them take flight knowing we had a hand in their achievement. Rejoicing by saying, “ I have helped to better society and the environment by raising a capable and functioning and productive member of society.” It is not our right/duty to make them do what we never got the chance to do or live vicariously through them and try to reap the benefits all the while making up for our mistakes.

Life should be in stages: I should take off from where my father left off, and my son where I left off and so on. There should be no reason why we must all make the same mistakes over and over, repeating the same cycles to no avail.

Please be a father/parent to your children, a voice when they need one, a guide when they are lost and a mirror when they’re aimlessly looking for a true reflection.

M.Kwasi Pecou

Next up: a special dedication to one of the greatest dad’s I’ve ever known. My big brother.

My brother and I are 6 years apart. But from an early age, he stepped into the role of leader when we lost both of our parents. My uncle often tells the story  that as family members argued amongst themselves over our fate, 4 suddenly orphaned children ranging in age from 11 to 3, my brother pulled him aside and adamantly pleaded with him to “not let them separate us”. Having to assume such great responsibility is no easy task, particularly for an 11-year-old. But my brother did it without a moment’s hesitation. He’s always been more father-like than brother-like to my siblings and I. Advising us, chastising us, assisting us, supporting us. He gives unconditionally and limitlessly.

As a student in college, he saw the birth of his son. Despite things not working out with my nephew’s mom, my brother never ever relinquished his role in his son’s life. I remember watching my brother with my nephew, in their matching outfits, fantasizing about the day I would do the same thing with my son. My brother made sure my nephew was a gentleman. He taught him life skills, and though sometimes tough, the lessons he would need to make him a man.

Over the last year, my brother has been challenged as my nephew was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer just after turning 19. Tragically, after a long hard fight, my nephew passed on Tuesday March 22.  My heart is broken for the loss of my nephew. He truly was a great, great person. A stand up guy, charming, funny and intelligent. A reflection of his dad.

My heart aches as well for my brother. So much so that the words fail me. I can not describe my grief. It is too near. With love, I salute my brother, for his strength, his devotion, his example. I pray for peace and understanding. I love you big bro!

To my nephew: I love you twin! I’m heartbroken yet steady because I know you are  safe with my mom, your grandmother and all of our ancestors. REST IN POWER.

Join us tonight for Passage of Right at CAu Art galleries:

Next up: Stic.Man of hip hop’s revolutionary voice, DEAD PREZ…

It may be bigger than hip hop, but its never bigger than fatherhood. As one-half of the highly acclaimed group DEAD PREZ, his revolution-inspiring lyrics and legacy, are not a marketing ploy or gimmick. Khnum Ibomu a.k.a. Stic.Man makes daily practice of his thought-provoking and consciousness-raising music. His solo albums, “Manhood” & the forthcoming “The Workout” are both testaments to his purpose and discipline. In addition to his role as hip hop icon, he is a devoted husband and father. No Atlanta summer is complete without sightings of the Ibomu’s at festivals, street fairs and community gatherings.

Stic.Man on fatherhood:

Passage of Right: What is one of the toughest challenges you’ve faced as a father of a son?

STIC.MAN: The natural home birth process was very intense because I had to let nature be in charge and there was plenty scarey moments. I wanted to take control and make everything ok and safe for my woman and my son but it was beyond my role to control the whole process. I had to trust that it would all work out fine. I had to have faith in my woman’s strength. In my son’s strength. Faith in my values. Faith in our decision to trust nature as opposed to going to the hospital. It was humbling but very empowering. If you dig where I’m coming from. And it all worked out perfectly.

POR: How do you balance fatherhood and work?

SM: Planning ahead helps me stay balanced. I involve my son in my creative process. He is studying piano and guitar and we get quality time in as well when I take him to his sessions. He travels on tour with me often as well. We workout regularly together 3 times a week. And we spend time drawing, going to the movies and cracking jokes all the time. I call him when I’m out of town and he even helps with merchandising. So we are involved in each others lives all the time.

POR: What was your relationship like with you father/father figure?

SM: My pops and my relationship was decent. I always respected him. He was a tough kind of guy as far as his demeanor so not until I got older could I get over the “fear factor” lol. I watched him go through substance abuse but come out on top of it. I resented him for how certain things were going in our family for a long time. But I have grown and put things in a more mature perspective. I accept him for who he is. And love that I have a strong father.

POR: What is the funniest/most unexpected experience you’ve had as a father?

SM: Me and my son crack jokes on each other all the time..so one day he calls me Gassious Clay, and says I’m the Muhammad Ali of farting! Floored me. Had to take it on the chin. Lol.

POR: What advice would you give a young dad?

SM: Be sincere with yourself about your responsibility to love, provide for, nurture and lead your youth into their own maturity. Be sincere with your child’s mother. Dont raise a baby. Raise up men and women. Be a friend. Listen. Be creative with your discipline. Hitting is not a solution. Most of all be the example that you want them to see. Dont repeat the negative cycle of dead beat dads. Dont let immature actions or emotions interfere with your relationship with your child’s mother. Enjoy and be proud of yourself for your commitment to your child. Expose them to as many skill building opportunities as possible. Keep your finances in order. Keep your word. Dont let the mother or money or anything be an excuse to not be in your children’s lives daily.

Catch Dead Prez on tour when they hit your town and be sure to check out Stic’s new solo album “The Workout” which drops in April. For more info visit: RBGfitclub.com

Meet more fathers like Stic.Man and our other esteemed panelists this Thursday at Passage of Right: Call and Response event at Clark Atlanta University Galleries.

Next up King Esseen of Esseen Music.

Life of the party and all around “good guy”, Esseen moves effortlessly through different social scenes with seemingly EVERYONE knowing his name and trademark smile. He’s is a living repository of information on everything from hip hop history to etymology. His resourcefulness and ability to connect people led him to found Esseen Music, through which he works to groom young artists and performers both behind the boards and on stage. The father of a 3-year-old son, it’s not uncommon to find Esseen with his little man in-tow buried in books at your local Border’s bookstore or moving like rock stars through the crowd at ATL street festivals.

Passage of Right: What is one of the toughest challenges you’ve faced as a father of a son?

KE: How to be as affectionate and caring as possible to my son but still encourage him to be independent and tough!

POR: How do you balance fatherhood and work?

KE: I created a schedule that has one on one time consistently between me and my son.

POR: What was your relationship like with you father/father figure?

KE: My father was the best father anyone could dream of!  We had open communication, respect, and affection.

POR: What is the funniest/most unexpected experience you’ve had as a father?

KE: When as a newborn he awakened from hunger, and I jumped up in a martial arts stance. LOL!

POR: What advice would you give a young dad?

KE: Don’t argue, or be aggressive or be passive aggressive with your son’s mother if she’s going through postpartum changes.  Your children need to see you as present and as respectful of their mother as much as possible, even through the challenges.

Meet more fathers like King Esseen and our other esteemed panelists this Thursday at Passage of Right: Call and Response event at Clark Atlanta University Galleries.

First up, photographer extraordinaire, Zubari Duniani of FANKH Photography.

I’ve had the opportunity to get to know Zubari and his family over the last year. He and his wife Moneek are really on their “Cliff & Clair Huxtable” with 6 amazing children (4 girls & 2 boys) ranging in age from 5 to 16. Zubari, a loving and dedicated father of 6 beautiful, respectful and intelligent children, is an artist and technician in the film and television industry with more than 20 years experience. Currently serving as Chief Lighting Technician for ʻTyler Perryʼs: House of Payneʼ. He has traveled the world lighting and photographing projects for clients like Prince to the first lady of Ghana, to name a few. His latest book ʻNiGUS:Black Male Concepts of Spiritualityʻ was a favorite at the Congressional Black Black Caucusʼs Authors’ Pavilion. He has two other concepts in development that you should accept… ask somebody.

Zubari on fatherhood:

Passage of Right: What is one of the toughest challenges you’ve faced as a father of a son?

Zubari Duniani: One of my toughest challenges in fathering a son has been not putting my dreams on my sons. I didn’t want to be that guy/dad that forces my ambitions on my boys. It was also difficult when I lived out of state and they were in a house full of females.

POR: How do you balance fatherhood and work?

ZD: My children have grown and are growing up on set. Helping me on shoots and even producing projects for me to shoot. I remember when my oldest was 6 months or so and her mother and I both had to work. I was Gaffing/Lighting a music video and put the baby on my back in one of those baby backpacks, and in the stroller to feed and nap, and right back on my back for the rest of the 12 hour day. So I try to keep them involved.

POR: What was your relationship like with you father/father figure?

ZD: My father passed then I was young. I have a great relationship with my teacher/advisor/BaBa. He was sent to me right as I became a father. The universe (one voice) is funny like that. Now we speak to each other without words states away!

POR: What is the funniest/most unexpected experience you’ve had as a father?

ZD: Too many to name! Life as a father takes you through plenty of unexpected and funny experiences.

POR: What advice would you give a young dad?

ZD: Iʼd recommend listening, being honest and emphatic about your commitment to your child/childrenʼs development.

Learn more about Zubari and his work via his website at: FankhPhotography.com

Also, meet Zubari, and our other esteemed panelists this Thursday at Passage of Right: Call and Response event at Clark Atlanta University Galleries.